A LONG WAY FROM HOME
That sums it up, basically I really have no idea what I’m doing writing a blog. But I have to remember who the intended target audience is…me…and what the desired end results are described below.
Should I be following a set format for bloggers? How to write a post that’s catchy and fun and keeps the reader’s attention? Engaging enough for them to follow along with the story? Click a link here or there maybe?
Continue reading “I have no idea what I’m doing”I’m laughing while I think to myself, “I’m trying….I’m trying real effing hard”
If you know me you’ve heard the laugh before, coupled with a slow shake of the head.
The pain is what will do me in. Well that’s a lie, my inability to tolerate the pain will do me in.
3:00 and I’m forced to retreat upstairs to lay on the bed with an iPad and a TV remote. Alone. When the dogs figure out I’m staying up here they’ll join me.
Continue reading “Depression and Chronic Pain”I need to figure this one out, what triggered this positive turn of events. If doing a small thing that you haven’t in ages can be deemed positive.
Since 1988 or so I have been doing the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. Every weekend. I’ve described this in more detail in a blog post, but we (my wife) went to no ends to find the NYT no matter the location.
Continue reading “A glimmer of hope?”I was starting to beat myself up yesterday. Doubting myself, wondering where I was going, why I was trying so hard.
I was able to keep somewhat calm by reminding myself I have a mental illness. And that no one expects me to be strong through this except myself. “Show yourself some grace”.
Trying to put the pain and health issues on a shelf of its own, knowing it’s there, but trying to keep my focus elsewhere.
Continue reading “Slipping backward”I saw a commercial yesterday. It was from some mental health organization about the need for mental health awareness. In this particular one there are people of different ages, races, sex, etc that approach a coat rack and don a coat. The size and shape and length of each coat was as varied as the individuals.
You know the commercial but can’t remember who it’s from either I bet.
The point being we all wear various shrouds of troubles, our own dark clouds of unique sizes and shapes. Varying degrees of darkness.
Continue reading “The Shit Bubble Theory:”Not surprisingly, the outline for the blog made sense to me at the time, but as I learn more about myself through research the more I find the emphasis shifting. A change in the level of importance, revisions to the rank.
Ranking them has been difficult, but if I divide the key topics of Mental Illness into Diagnosis (ever changing) Symptoms and Treatments I think I can get my mind around this.
So let’s start with the latest diagnosis stemming from my ordeal with the new psychiatrists.
Continue reading “PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”So what’s the story here, this story of the Queer Kyd from Kansas?
Stories I suppose.
The story of being a post-op transwoman and the quest for inner peace; it’s not quite finished. Gender Dysphoria. A true path or another symptom of PTSD?
The story of being raped as a young child and the consequent PTSD:; unknown and hidden, overwhelmed by the guilt and shame.
Continue reading “Stories”If I stay focused, I deliver the same message to myself. That message is a simple reminder really. To give myself a little grace, as one of my best friends puts it, a little grace. Let the past be what it was, and let it lie.
I’m holding a 7 year old to blame for a bad life, the guilt and shame I built up to justify another person’s evil. I need to ask that 7 year old to forgive me for doing so, my 7 year old self I held responsible for the torment. Holding him to blame for what happened in changing my course. Upending.
If only…
Continue reading “Depression and Guilt”Why is it that other’s coping skills for a trauma or tragedy always cost me more pain?
It’s been that way four times in the past four years, and I cannot go through this one more time.
If you avoid me as a way of coping, my mental illness immediately assumes that I did something, you’re mad, I hurt you.
Continue reading “Loneliness feeds depression”Abilify. An anti-psychotic that is used for chronic depression, with suicidal ideation.
It‘s odd how the spell checker keeps changing it into “Ability”.
Not odd…profound. Why? The drug has reduced my thoughts of suicide and depression quite well, and replaced it with a numbing apathy about everything.
I can’t cry or go down the rabbit hole.
Continue reading “Depression meds”