Journal - The Queer KYD

June 13, 2026June 13, 2026

My Earliest Memory in the Never-ending Search For Meaning.

My story would not be complete without a discussion of my ever-present search for enlightenment. The meaning of it all. The reason we exist, the purpose of life. Self awareness.

I have been studying Zen Buddhism for the past 50 years. My firm belief in existentialism, and my firm disbelief in a higher power. Or maybe it’s a dislike of organized religion. My experience as a younger man with psychedelics, acid, mushrooms and peyote. We were part of the generation influenced by the writings of Carlos Castenada and Timothy Leary. Sex, drugs and rock and roll.

That chapter in my life is a story unto itself, and yes, I did reach a level of higher consciousness. At least in my own mind.

June 3, 2026June 3, 2026

June is Closing In, Summer Has Come Too Fast

There was no Spring this year, like last. It’s summer and I’m not ready. I’m still struggling with the aches and pains of winter, as they haven’t receded like the pile of dirty snow in the street, now gone. I normally start to feel normal before now, or at least better.

My continued apologies to my readers for not writing more often. I’m trying to be forgiving for not living up to the standards I’ve imposed on myself” I can only do what I can.

I find it funny I’ve never reread any of the posts in here, not one. It’s like a painting I toiled over or a song on the piano, once it’s done I better move on. Otherwise I’ll paint over it or change the melody and lose what was once there.

May 28, 2026June 3, 2026

“Hey Kyd, Where the Heck Are You.”

Maybe that title should read “how the heck are you,” ? Mox nix, my mother used to say. Makes no difference.

I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot lately, and how much I miss her. Even though she died 5 years ago I still hurt just as much as when I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.

I just recently opened a box she sent me the week before her death, and found a small memory book for photographs. This particular album contained photos of myself, from when I was born until I graduated from high school.

There was one or two photos per year, some with just me standing there, and several with my two brothers. Old black and whites, capturing my life in pictures. A snapshot, no pun intended, of 3 brothers who were 9 years apart, and their journey to manhood. Again no twisted humor intended, but hey, made me smile. My journey to manhood and back. Some trip.

May 8, 2026May 9, 2026

The Gander Attack Part II. The Dog and His PTSD

So the story of Blu and the gander attacks continues. Took a short break to enjoy winter that’s dragging on, plus a visit from my granddaughter. Oh, and how could I forget, another week in bed fighting one more case of nausea.

Such highs and lows in a very short time, but I have to say the week with the youngster was the highlight of my life for the past 9 months. The best distraction from this pain, laughing and smiling for a bit.

But finally, back to the big gander attack. (my editor hates starting a sentence with “but”, so I do it just to irritate her.) I have been struggling with getting this written for some odd reason, and it frustrates me to no end. I need to continue with my life on paper, so it’s there when I don’t remember it, if god forbid that day comes.

April 27, 2026May 3, 2026

Paying The Price

A simple journal post for today.

I’m dead tired even though I slept hard last night. Just about every bone in my body aches from the abuse I put it through for a good chunk of last week. Three days later I’m paying for it, as always with the pain comes lack of sleep. Sure enough I woke up this morning feeling blue.

I told my wife, the one and only Mrs. Kyd, that I was “stove up” .

“I’m all stove up this morning.”

“You’re what?”

“You know…stove up.”

“And what the heck does that mean?”

April 20, 2026April 20, 2026

“If You’re Having That Much Pain, Imagine How Bad it Really Is”

The title above is a quote from my daughter, who was responding to an email I had sent to her last Tuesday.

If you’ve read the previous post you’ll know how bad I was the Sunday night. All the bad actors were waging war at the same time. (One week later I can sit here at the dining room table and try to post. My new goal is to post at least once a week, which is pretty awful.) That Sunday night the pain had reached one of the highest I have ever felt. Ever. That’s a lot of disasters, accidents and stupid mistakes over the last 60 years, all causing major negative consequences. Broken bones, stitches, bruising, gashes, you name it -I’ve had it.

April 19, 2026April 20, 2026

Totally Irrelevant Dribble: Or How I can Kill Days Navel Gazing

Is that the right term? Navel gazing?

I believe it means that I’m doing absolutely nothing but sitting with my head down staring at my navel. Hours blown while my mind zooms in and out and back to where it started. Repeat.

In my case, just to be honest, I’m staring at a “navel” that exists in a million year old river rock that I stole from someone’s garden. A small slit that was once full of crystals, long eroded over the millenia.

Of course there’s a story behind this.

April 3, 2026April 3, 2026

An Indescribable Feeling of Joy

A couple of weeks ago I opened my eyes, looked at the iPhone on the coffee table and realized I had slept from 10:30 last night without waking. I was basically in the same position I started in, on the couch and curled up in a semi-fetal position. 7:30 in the morning, with hints of sun coming through the front window.

Within 30 seconds of waking, I also realized that the overwhelming nausea I had felt for the last 6 days was gone completely. My pain level that morning was the lowest it had been in several weeks. The normal feeling of aching in every joint was gone, maybe not completely, but enough my mind was not attuned to it. For once pain was not a constant distraction.

March 18, 2026May 9, 2026

Frustration and the Inability to Heal

I’m overly frustrated today, as I find myself exhausted and down. A funk has set in, the shadow of a cloud is once again hanging over my head. Maybe it’s a reaction to lack of sleep for the next two nights, as restless legs have been keeping me up until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning before I finally fall asleep. My body aches, but at least I’m not sick, meaning my gut seems fine.

Mrs. Kyd has been traveling, and during our nightly call I told her I could feel my depression coming on and that I was feeling down for no specific reason. Is it this unbearable lengthy winter we’re experiencing, or the loneliness I go through when she’s traveling? I don’t think so. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Hmmm…it certainly plays a role, but don’t think it would cause such ups and downs.

March 11, 2026March 11, 2026

The Gander Attack: A Tale of Trauma (Part 1)

(Author’s note: My apologies for doing this in 2 parts, but there was a bit of background that I thought was relevant. Although this isn’t directly related to my personal situation in dealing with PTSD, depression, and the like, it’s something very similar. Okay, to be truthful, just another brain fart from yours truly.)

This is a tale of a traumatic event, and the resulting consequences suffered by my best friend. It starts from when the two of us bonded, the traumatic event itself, and how it affected both our lives. Since we are inter-connected, we share the same goal of trying to make things better.

My best friend, Blu, was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was a 1 year old puppy. Still in the “cute” stage of puppyhood, but nearly full grown. In my humble layman’s thinking, I now feel the diagnosis of epilepsy to be inaccurate. You will have to bear with me as I let the whole story unfold.