Tag: acceptance

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Food for Thought:  A cry for help perhaps?

Sorry if I confused you with the title, but I haven’t switched over to the dark side of recipe blogging. That’s clever, calling food blogging the dark side, unless it’s like me and the recipe is for burnt toast.   

Still the same boring old queer stuff, but the following conversation with Mrs. K  really provided me with some food for thought, and god knows I don’t think enough.

Before you read all the gibberish it may help if we review some of the jargon used in the queer world. Sort of a brief of who’s what. Read on.

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The Quest for Normalcy

I didn’t choose this life. Being trans that is. I was aware of being “different” at a very young age, but insisted on fighting it for years. Wasting my life trying to deny the fact I was queer. 

Lady GaGa tries to normalize it by convincing “normal” folks that we’re simply born this way.  I personally don’t agree with that 100%, at least not for everyone.  I hold strongly to the belief that its nature and nurture combine to drive people toward this pathway. 

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The “Message”

If I only have one message in this journal, besides that of perseverance, it would simply be “Transition or die”.  I put that in quotes because it’s not my original words of wisdom to claim authorship.  I was first told those words of wisdom by Cassandra, in an America Online chat room called “Transexual Menace”.

I believe it was 1991 when I would sit up late at night  and spend hours and hours going from one chat after another.  All of America did the same at different times of the day, but in the middle of the night creatures like myself took to the chats, searching for others of a like mind.  AOL was the easiest way to access this new phenomena called the Internet, just in its infancy for home use.

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What if

My biggest issue, my burning question, my one true “what if” in my life is getting closer to being answered.  .  

So when you have this question hanging over your head that is impossible to answer, what do you do?  I haven’t been able to stop asking the question in my head for as long as I can remember.   What if?  But if there is no possible way to find out then what? Do you trust blind faith?  Gut feel?  Research and more research?  

No, it’s not as big as the eternal question “why do I exist?” because I know that answer.  If you want the truth behind existence I’d be happy to share it with you. 

My question is a bit simpler…

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Some Days are Overwhelming, Some are Wondrous

Unless I need to be downtown, most of my days start off slow, gain a little momentum, then fizzle out by 4:00pm. By slow, if I’m out of the shower by 9:30 I’m doing good.

The first dose of hydromorphone starts the day, hormones and a pill to keep all the other pills from destroying my stomach. The hydromorphone numbs the pain enough to get a hot shower, walk and feed the dogs, maybe remember to eat, then run errands. 

Unless I’m nauseated from kidney stones that is, then the day is a write off.  The stones are just starting. It just builds up for months as they get bigger I guess.

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Putting My Queer Journey on Paper, a Leap of…

So it’s Fall and it’s decision time whether or not I’m going to go ahead with this blog.

It’s not that I don’t have the time to write every day, it’s simply a matter of am I gonna stick it out or not. The subject matter is difficult and not 100% pleasant to talk about. It’s going to take a lot of time just to get it set up. A little money, but not a lot so that’s not an issue.

The trouble is, with the mental illness I’m suffering from I seem to put the things that I really love to do aside and don’t just do them anymore. 

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