chronic pain Archives - The Queer KYD

April 20, 2026April 20, 2026

“If You’re Having That Much Pain, Imagine How Bad it Really Is”

The title above is a quote from my daughter, who was responding to an email I had sent to her last Tuesday.

If you’ve read the previous post you’ll know how bad I was the Sunday night. All the bad actors were waging war at the same time. (One week later I can sit here at the dining room table and try to post. My new goal is to post at least once a week, which is pretty awful.) That Sunday night the pain had reached one of the highest I have ever felt. Ever. That’s a lot of disasters, accidents and stupid mistakes over the last 60 years, all causing major negative consequences. Broken bones, stitches, bruising, gashes, you name it -I’ve had it.

December 12, 2025December 12, 2025

A Short Break in a Long Life

There’s no point to this, I just needed to write for myself.

I wish I could take a break, as we all probably do. I don’t mean two weeks on the beach in Cancun or the Mayan Riviera. Although that would be nice, I agree. I mean just escaping this body and the ills of pain and depression for a while. Sleep would help, and would at least give me some time to just not think.

A break from a mind always in overdrive. but can’t rely on alcohol to turn it off. Yeah that may have worked, sometimes, but the side effects were worse than the depression, fed the disease.

I had to take a break from writing. I haven’t been posting simply because my body, with all its aches and pains, was dictating the mood. When you’re in so much pain and constantly nauseated it’s difficult to concentrate, and as such my writing goes out the window.

October 5, 2025October 5, 2025

A Day In a Life

The fact is, one day has turned into a month almost, a month of being too sick to do anything besides take care of my two canine companions. I’m writing this out of guilt.

I feel bad for not posting lately. Since there are very few readers of this it may not matter. I shouldn’t have a guilt trip for not “doing my job.” I have to remind myself that this isn’t a job.

I also regret not doing the NY Times crossword, or finishing the piano piece I’ve been composing for the last 2 months. The melody has embedded itself in my mind, the loop plays continuously. and will do so until the day it’s complete and another takes its place. The keyboard remains untouched.

August 13, 2025August 13, 2025

Any Decision Is Better Than No Decision

My apologies for the string of down beat, depressive posts as of late. This may be the most important thing for me to write though, fighting with depression. If I look back on these posts, they may shed some light as to why this seems to be a constant battle.

The 5th day in a row. I wake up early when I hear the wife stirring upstairs. The dogs had slept downstairs with me last night, two dogs on oversized pillows on the floor, me on the couch. At least I beat them to the couch. They also hear mom up, the name the two dogs know her by, and decide they need out at 6:00 a.m. I’m still tired from the drugs, not a lot of sleep last night and in pain. I’m nauseous, but crawl off the couch to let them out back to do their morning pee.

July 31, 2025July 29, 2025

It’s Seriously Time to Change, But How?

This morning is bad. Period. Really effing bad. Mainly because I’m in horrible pain in my legs, hips and lower back. Nauseated, and tired all over.

Normally this time of year, the warm days of summer, I get some sort of break from being so sick. Weather affects arthritis, no matter what the doctors say, and for me it’s the cold and damp of the Canadian winter. Now the opposite end of the scale cripples me, as today is very hot, humid with a thunderstorm rolling in. A change in barometric pressure felt in joints and bones.

July 29, 2025July 23, 2025

Learning to fight

I am in the midst of writing my philosophy and views of being a trans person in a non-accepting world. Marginalized. What a laugh.

But I am also in the midst of a slide, I think spiral is a more fitting word, into another bout of depression. I need to keep track of this quagmire I’m sinking into, in case it evolves into something out of my control. It’s difficult, but it requires a subjective review of myself. Step outside and look in. My vision is clouded looking out at the world.

So I am writing about depression, in hopes this time I can rise above it on my own. See it for what it really is and turn the course. I am learning how, I think, hope. I’ve been dealing with depression long enough to know the signs of its start, but don’t fight back.

July 3, 2025July 2, 2025

Where Do the Days Go?

Time is my enemy now, until I finally sleep the last sleep. I used to think it was the evil Trinity of chronic pain, depression and insomnia that was my nemesis. These are adding to the frustration of course, and control my body and mind, but it is Time) that is working against me. I am constantly fighting to get things done, while the clock is spinning wildly.

I don’t have enough time left to live for starters. My wife scoffs when I say this, but I figure I’m at about the 85% mark in my life. Meaning I’ve lived most of it, and if I manage to make it to 80 it will be either by sheer luck or stupidity.

May 13, 2025May 23, 2025

The Three Appointments

Today is like most days. We head from winter to summer and the weather has turned. Bright, sunny and 70 degrees. Great day for yard work or better yet fishing.

Of course I’m in an Uber heading to a hospital to see the eye surgeon. I hope for the last time. The gas bubble is gone and I have about 50% of my sight restored.

Good time to write, the occasional pot hole creating typos along the way. Will require a rewrite and edit but that’s the normal course of action, no matter how or where written.

April 15, 2025June 19, 2025

My day, and every day thereafter

I have taken a long hiatus from putting my thoughts down.

The physical self has commanded all my attention. Unfortunately.

But I’ve survived the winter, which I had serious doubts about. I thought it would be my last though, seriously. The question being one of strength. Did I have the ability to rebound from the chronic pain and dark depression last Fall? Going into Winter in such bad shape? A time when the bitter cold and sunless skies do the most damage.

March 10, 2025May 22, 2025

Meds, meds and more…you get the drift.

I find myself in a spider web of doctors, and a cornucopia of medications, all prescribed of course. Except for the marijuana, cannabis if you like. But since one doc told me Health Canada would rather you get high than have an opioid, I take that as a medical blessing.

It’s a lot of medication targeted at one specific problem area or to treat a side effect caused by the rest of the meds. A different prescription for a different symptom. Some are simply handed down by doctor to doctor for issues that no longer exist.