I am in the midst of writing my philosophy and views of being a trans person in a non-accepting world. Marginalized. What a laugh.
But I am also in the midst of a slide, I think spiral is a more fitting word, into another bout of depression. I need to keep track of this quagmire I’m sinking into, in case it evolves into something out of my control. It’s difficult, but it requires a subjective review of myself. Step outside and look in. My vision is clouded looking out at the world.
So I am writing about depression, in hopes this time I can rise above it on my own. See it for what it really is and turn the course. I am learning how, I think, hope. I’ve been dealing with depression long enough to know the signs of its start, but don’t fight back.
I think I can do it, I just need to figure out how. Stupid statement, I know. Learn how to fight back. I’ve always been pretty wimpy though.
It was neuropathy and body pain that went off track first, followed by a serious case of insomnia. The two triggered this episode of sadness and now full blown bad ass blues. I hate feeling so sad and powerless.
What started it all this time? Stupidity. By overdoing a simple day of fishing. Putting more strain on the body than it can easily recover from. Normally it involves an hour to drive up to the lake, three hours of enjoyment fishing and being outside, then the hour drive home.
This particular morning I was as one with the fish, was in the zone so to speak, and kept catching (and releasing) one rainbow trout after another. As members, everyone records the number and the species of fish caught that day. This helps in maintaining the lake properly, and aids the fish biologist in determining the health of the habitat. But there’s also a bit of bragging rights, I’d be lying if I said otherwise. My best day since I joined several years ago.
I kept looking at my watch as I repeated the phrase “just one more” over and over in my head. If you don’t know about fly fishing it’s called the sport of a thousand casts. Constant movement, always standing. Trying to match the natural insects they are feeding on (called the hatch, by the way) and putting your artificial fly right where the trout are hanging in the water. Over and over and over again.
**From an environmental aspect, you don’t need to worry that I’m upsetting the ecosystem or ruining the fish’s poor life. We have our own trout hatchery and raise our own rainbow and speckled trout. The lakes and two ponds are full of fish that have been raised and released. Flyfishing is the only type allowed, and all with barbless hooks to minimize any injury to the fish, commonly called catch and release. I even thank them for their time, and make sure they swim away happy once again.
Like a fool I over did it and am now paying for it. The pain in my legs, along with my right arm and swollen wrist, kept me chair bound for the next 3 days, and has not let up since. Neuropathy, cramps and restless leg syndrome. That in turn feeds my insomnia, and the two parts of the trinity, pain and lack of sleep jump start the case of the downs, depression.
The hydromorphone and sleeping pills don’t seem to work at these levels, and the last three nights I have woken up in a sitting position on the couch. I must have finally passed out at 2:00 a.m. from exhaustion and a handful of meds, only to wake at 6:00 when the dogs wanted to go out.
You would think the simple lesson would be “know your limitations”, right? Except with a mind that constantly runs off track I twist it all around, and run face forward into the one thing I should avoid at all costs.
I get extremely sad knowing there are limitations at all, that I can’t do what I want to anymore. My body has done enough I guess. I’m sad that one day this major distraction, one of my longest and truest loves, will be out of my reach. One day I may not be able to fish with the way my body is giving out. It’s not a long process to where my thoughts turn to getting old and crippled and alone. That’s where the mental illness kicks in, and yes I keep telling myself it’s the disease called depression . Will that help? Yeah, it’s a disease that I need to learn how to keep under control. Much like a diabetic has to watch their glucose levels, I need to avoid triggers and take corrective action if one is tripped.
That’s where I’m at today, feeling old, crippled and alone. It went from one great day fishing, my best so far, to doubting my own future.
I’m hoping these thoughts turn around soon. Afterall I’m the one driving.