A LONG WAY FROM HOME
I need to quit watching the news. More specifically the news from the grand country that gave birth to democracy. Although I reside in Canada, I’m still a citizen of the U.S., so watching CNN is a favorite (or used to be a favorite) pastime.
I can’t believe that in today’s turmoil that the subject of trans people in high school sports, more so transwomen than transmen, is even worth more than a five minute blurb in the news.
Let’s move on already.
(Author’s note: I’m working on a post about a major breakthrough in dealing with my own physical pain, but it is taking a longer time to write than expected. It concerns new theories about chronic low-level inflammation as the root cause of numerous disorders, conditions and diseases.
But I need to write today, anything, just to keep my face in the sun so to speak. If you deal with depression of any kind you’ll probably understand that sentence, and facing the sun.)
The little things that keep me going. Little wonders in life that I can grasp for a moment and seem to remember forever.
(Author’s note: I’m re-posting this essay as it is the pivotal point in my life. It cost me my life. What followed after this event was constant turmoil, and with the “help” of others (meaning just the opposite of course) I managed to screw up my life totally. I take that back, this one event screwed up my life forever.
I need to embrace the fact that I was not to blame, and that my thought process was always going to be influenced by what happened.
I’ve done my best and all in all there have been some very good times. Way too many bad.
I am letting this go.)
If someone were to call this minute and ask what I was up to, I’d have to bluntly say “I’m writing about being raped when I was 7.”
There that helped, it’s said and done. You don’t need to read on, but some of these details led to a lot of the problems…
I’m kidding about the “Whiner Series”. Kinda sorta.
When pain prevails, there’s no way to focus on anything as your mind is overwhelmed, or maybe I should say it’s more like being run over. Road kill. “Dead skunk in the middle of the road.” Will have to Google that lyric one day to give the proper credit. Not today, which means never.
There’s nothing else you can think about when pain takes over. Simple neurons that course through your body, constantly fire a single message to the brain saying “hey dummy, something’s badly damaged here that needs immediate attention.”
Like I need the reminder.
Continue reading “When Pain Prevails (Part 17 in the Whiner Series)”
I’m trying….honest to god. I’m going to get this done. Depression has consumed me. Eaten me alive. But I keep trying, but even the smallest tasks are difficult.
I tell myself I’m retired, comfortable and have only 1 thing I must do and that’s take care of my two best friends.
Wonder if they talk about me…”Lucy, Dad’s put on some weight, don’t ya’ think?”…”Yep, and what’s with the buzz haircut?” she replies to Mister Blu.
Continue reading ” Spirit Animals, Random Thoughts and Sleepless Nights”I was going to title this “Too sleep or not to sleep…” but I think it’s been taken. Kinda sorta.
Another day in the life, boring trivia. I keep telling myself that, even if I am lying in bed in the middle of the afternoon. If I write a little it’s being somewhat productive. Which is humorous in itself, as this blog does nothing more than make me feel like I’m doing something. That’s a lie to myself though. There’s a term for thinking you’re productive while doing nothing, besides the ones that aren’t clean enough to print.
So I’m propped up on pillows, a heating pad warming my backside, and trying to write.
Continue reading “A Day In My Miserable Life”My story would not be complete without a discussion of my ever-present search for enlightenment. The meaning of it all. The reason we exist, the purpose of life. Self awareness.
I have been studying Zen Buddhism for the past 50 years. My firm belief in existentialism, and my firm disbelief in a higher power. Or maybe it’s a dislike of organized religion. My experience as a younger man with psychedelics, acid, mushrooms and peyote. We were part of the generation influenced by the writings of Carlos Castenada and Timothy Leary. Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
That chapter in my life is a story unto itself, and yes, I did reach a level of higher consciousness. At least in my own mind.
Continue reading “My Earliest Memory in the Never-ending Search For Meaning.”There was no Spring this year, like last. It’s summer and I’m not ready. I’m still struggling with the aches and pains of winter, as they haven’t receded like the pile of dirty snow in the street, now gone. I normally start to feel normal before now, or at least better.
My continued apologies to my readers for not writing more often. I’m trying to be forgiving for not living up to the standards I’ve imposed on myself” I can only do what I can.
I find it funny I’ve never reread any of the posts in here, not one. It’s like a painting I toiled over or a song on the piano, once it’s done I better move on. Otherwise I’ll paint over it or change the melody and lose what was once there.
Continue reading “June is Closing In, Summer Has Come Too Fast”Maybe that title should read “how the heck are you,” ? Mox nix, my mother used to say. Makes no difference.
I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot lately, and how much I miss her. Even though she died 5 years ago I still hurt just as much as when I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.
I just recently opened a box she sent me the week before her death, and found a small memory book for photographs. This particular album contained photos of myself, from when I was born until I graduated from high school.
There was one or two photos per year, some with just me standing there, and several with my two brothers. Old black and whites, capturing my life in pictures. A snapshot, no pun intended, of 3 brothers who were 9 years apart, and their journey to manhood. Again no twisted humor intended, but hey, made me smile. My journey to manhood and back. Some trip.
Continue reading ““Hey Kyd, Where the Heck Are You.””So the story of Blu and the gander attacks continues. Took a short break to enjoy winter that’s dragging on, plus a visit from my granddaughter. Oh, and how could I forget, another week in bed fighting one more case of nausea.
Such highs and lows in a very short time, but I have to say the week with the youngster was the highlight of my life for the past 9 months. The best distraction from this pain, laughing and smiling for a bit.
But finally, back to the big gander attack. (my editor hates starting a sentence with “but”, so I do it just to irritate her.) I have been struggling with getting this written for some odd reason, and it frustrates me to no end. I need to continue with my life on paper, so it’s there when I don’t remember it, if god forbid that day comes.
