Out of the Blue and into the Blues

Something is bothering me. It’s causing me to spin again, like a corkscrew slowly turning into the ground and driving me downward.  For one thing I can’t turn my mind off, and as it always does, it focuses on the bad things happening in my life.  For another, I’ve had some  recent changes in relationships with others, friends I thought. Lost contact for a while and I immediately wondered what the hell I did to drive them away.  

I don’t understand people and relationships. It seems that it causes more pain in the end, so why put yourself out there? People are untrustworthy, self focused, and quite unpredictable. That’s a bit harsh. My confused mind goes from one extreme to the other. 

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Just one more…the beginning

It’s hard to admit that one spent the majority of their life fighting with alcohol, but that was me.  The doctors say self-medicating,  others call it courage in a bottle.  I liked the effect of passing out stoned cold blind…and not having the nightmare.  

One of the major symptoms of PTSD is the reliance on alcohol or drugs, but this becomes an ill-fated means of coping.  Like most of my other coping skills, the alcohol was a way for me to escape the reality of being raped. The event itself was very short in relation to the after effects, like drinking from the age of 14. 

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