guilt Archives - The Queer KYD

December 9, 2024May 2, 2025

Depression and Guilt

If I stay focused, I deliver the same message to myself. That message is a simple reminder really. To give myself a little grace, as one of my best friends puts it, a little grace. Let the past be what it was, and let it lie.

I’m holding a 7 year old to blame for a bad life, the guilt and shame I built up to justify another person’s evil. I need to ask that 7 year old to forgive me for doing so, my 7 year old self I held responsible for the torment. Holding him to blame for what happened in changing my course. Upending.

If only…

November 21, 2024May 21, 2025

A Basket Case Study

Maybe trying to use myself as a case study is in itself a symptom of PTSD, but since I consider myself a bit whacked, why not?

The trouble I’m going to have is looking backwards, and trying to move forward at the same time. I have to make sure I don’t trip too many times anyway. It’s not quite like going blindly forward, which I have done more than once in my drunken days. Wonder I can still see at all.

Why even look back, let sleeping dogs lie and move on? That’s the issue, I can’t.

October 17, 2024May 3, 2025

Depression

I really need to find that handhold to pull myself back up.

Do I seriously believe a journal that should have started 67 years ago will help me to understand why I am at this place in my life?

Maybe.

Maybe it will all make sense and I can leave it lay.

I will say that the course I took was far from “normal” but who ever is?

I need to keep in mind my “oneness“ and being a unique individual there was only one path, and actually lived perfectly.