depression Archives - The Queer KYD

April 3, 2026April 3, 2026

An Indescribable Feeling of Joy

A couple of weeks ago I opened my eyes, looked at the iPhone on the coffee table and realized I had slept from 10:30 last night without waking. I was basically in the same position I started in, on the couch and curled up in a semi-fetal position. 7:30 in the morning, with hints of sun coming through the front window.

Within 30 seconds of waking, I also realized that the overwhelming nausea I had felt for the last 6 days was gone completely. My pain level that morning was the lowest it had been in several weeks. The normal feeling of aching in every joint was gone, maybe not completely, but enough my mind was not attuned to it. For once pain was not a constant distraction.

February 13, 2026February 9, 2026

Over-reacting or Just Plain Over Acting? Neither, It’s me, it’s normal.

(Author’s note: my apologies for the delay in posting, well actually not posting at all lately. Having been bedridden for 14 days in January I find myself way past being down. Waaaaay past. I’m going to have to force myself to take action, do something, anything, or it’s never going to get better. In the meantime, here’s a look at my day from hell today.)

There’s a reason for the title, as I find myself reacting to a bad situation on a day that started off well. I almost felt half decent this morning, both physically and mentally. Every day has its challenges when you deal with both chronic pain and depression, but today had started off promising. The day wound down with thoughts of ending it all as it’s the only way I can see to get out of this miserable world I’ve created.

February 9, 2026February 9, 2026

Good Lord, I feel Like I’m Dyin

Author’s note: My good friend tells me I’m not whining, I’m venting, and have every right to do so.. So this is a vent about the last few weeks, following a horrible Christmas. Being constantly ill (nauseated) and in physical pain for these past 5 years has been more than a challenge. I don’t know how many more times I can pull myself back up, as the frequency of these “events” seems to be increasing. I was hoping for a break after the Christmas disaster, but alas…)

If you read this blog you know by now music plays a big role in my life. Something is playing in my head constantly as background music, my own personal elevator Muzak. Every once in a while it’s something new, the melody breaks through my train of thought and I have to sit at the piano.

It’s usually something from my past.

January 19, 2026January 19, 2026

The Second Worst Christmas

Seems I’m leaning toward writing about seconds, more specifically the second worst things in my life. Am I saving the worst things for last? Seems that way. But I will write about the longest day of my life, and the worst Christmas I promise. They’re at least a fun read. Someone once told me my life is like a movie with too many plot twists and turns to be real. I wish. The worst Christmas is a long drawn out saga of travel and adventure…haha. But it did have a happy ending, sorta.

But let’s talk about the Second Worst Christmas. Apologies for the shorter length of this, I’m in a fight at the moment. Nothing new, just my body is waging war against an invader, yet to be identified. Whatever is happening, it’s like I’m an innocent bystander who is forced to endure an ever worsening fight with pain, inflammation and severe nausea. The pain in my gut is crippling, and I’m relegated to laying in bed all day, stopping every so often for a cig and more ginger ale..

December 20, 2025December 20, 2025

A Roller Coaster When a Ferris Wheel is Needed

I’m stuck on this ride and can’t get off. I’m trying real hard…inside…to turn things around.

I have been unable to post or write anything. Which is frustrating in itself, just adds to the pile. I have to remind myself that writing while in the deepest throes of depression may be a way out. A way off this ride.

Don’t expect much, because doing anything while suffering from depression is getting to be damn difficult.

December 15, 2025December 15, 2025

The Ladybug, Tossed Out In The Cold.

Author’s note: I haven’t posted for some time, my apologies. I find myself slowly recovering from eye surgery, winter has descended in full force, and I’m really down. There’s little I can do, simply make it through each day.

I’m not done…yet

I was stuck in bed again, well the couch and bed, recouping from eye surgery. Laser cataract treatment to be exact, finally completed 10 months after the retinal surgery. They basically removed the real lens that was clouded over from the first surgery and popped in a plastic one. All for a measly sum of $1300 out of pocket.

The operation itself wasn’t bad compared to the first one, 30 minutes versus 3 hours. Even the recovery time is a lot easier, I simply have to put two dozen drops in my right eye everyday, don’t bend over and don’t pick up anything more than 10 pounds.

Which is a problem in itself.

December 12, 2025December 12, 2025

A Short Break in a Long Life

There’s no point to this, I just needed to write for myself.

I wish I could take a break, as we all probably do. I don’t mean two weeks on the beach in Cancun or the Mayan Riviera. Although that would be nice, I agree. I mean just escaping this body and the ills of pain and depression for a while. Sleep would help, and would at least give me some time to just not think.

A break from a mind always in overdrive. but can’t rely on alcohol to turn it off. Yeah that may have worked, sometimes, but the side effects were worse than the depression, fed the disease.

I had to take a break from writing. I haven’t been posting simply because my body, with all its aches and pains, was dictating the mood. When you’re in so much pain and constantly nauseated it’s difficult to concentrate, and as such my writing goes out the window.

October 5, 2025October 5, 2025

A Day In a Life

The fact is, one day has turned into a month almost, a month of being too sick to do anything besides take care of my two canine companions. I’m writing this out of guilt.

I feel bad for not posting lately. Since there are very few readers of this it may not matter. I shouldn’t have a guilt trip for not “doing my job.” I have to remind myself that this isn’t a job.

I also regret not doing the NY Times crossword, or finishing the piano piece I’ve been composing for the last 2 months. The melody has embedded itself in my mind, the loop plays continuously. and will do so until the day it’s complete and another takes its place. The keyboard remains untouched.

September 11, 2025September 11, 2025

Ain’t Nothing Like a Sad Song and a Bottle

I tend to gravitate toward sad songs, which is unfortunate since I suffer from chronic depression. A few tear-jerking ballads to start the day, great therapy. People tell me I bring this on myself, and perhaps it’s true. Do I wallow in self-induced misery? Maybe so. Since it’s what I know more than anything, this sadness, perhaps I seek it like a comforting blanket.

When I’m low and feeling blue I put on songs that only reinforce my loneliness. Not too bright really. Odd how the color blue is associated with sadness, like having the blues. Singing the blues. Doesn’t work with another color, try it yourself.

“My woman done me wrong, and I got a bad case of the greens.” See, it just doesn’t fit does it?

I’m rambling today, my mind fretting about yesterday, where a case of the blues led me to thinking about the bottle. That’s a bad train of thought for a reformed drunk. The idea of speeding up the day crept in from nowhere. I thought by numbing myself with a stiff drink, or two, the day would be easier. It was 11:00 am.

August 13, 2025August 13, 2025

Any Decision Is Better Than No Decision

My apologies for the string of down beat, depressive posts as of late. This may be the most important thing for me to write though, fighting with depression. If I look back on these posts, they may shed some light as to why this seems to be a constant battle.

The 5th day in a row. I wake up early when I hear the wife stirring upstairs. The dogs had slept downstairs with me last night, two dogs on oversized pillows on the floor, me on the couch. At least I beat them to the couch. They also hear mom up, the name the two dogs know her by, and decide they need out at 6:00 a.m. I’m still tired from the drugs, not a lot of sleep last night and in pain. I’m nauseous, but crawl off the couch to let them out back to do their morning pee.