Tag: depression

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Any Decision Is Better Than No Decision

My apologies for the string of down beat, depressive posts as of late. This may be the most important thing for me to write though, fighting with depression.  If I look back on these posts, they may shed some light as to why this seems to be a constant battle.

The 5th day in a row. I wake up early when I hear the wife stirring upstairs. The dogs had slept downstairs with me last night, two dogs on oversized pillows on the floor,  me on the couch. At least I beat them to the couch. They also hear mom up, the name the two dogs know her by,  and decide they need out at 6:00 a.m.  I’m still tired from the drugs, not a lot of sleep last night and in pain. I’m nauseous, but crawl off the couch to let them out back to do their morning pee.

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It’s Seriously Time to Change, But How?

This morning is bad. Period. Really effing bad. Mainly because I’m in horrible pain in my legs, hips and lower back. Nauseated, and tired all over.

Normally this time of year, the warm days of summer, I get some sort of break from being so sick. Weather affects arthritis, no matter what the doctors say, and for me it’s the cold and damp of the Canadian winter. Now the opposite end of the scale cripples me, as today is very hot, humid with a thunderstorm rolling in. A change in barometric pressure felt in joints and bones. 

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The Struggle

This damn depression. 

An urgent need exists to grab hold of something. Ground myself to slow this spiral. I’m not in a good place, and for the life of me can’t figure out why.

I have nothing I need to do and should not be worried.  Yet I’m fighting the urge to simply crawl under the covers and stay there.  I can literally stay home with the blinds shut, away from the rest of the world. Alone in my mind and spinning in place. 

I can let the plants die, the piano stay silent and dust covered, and leave the newspapers rolled tight in their rubber bands. The rare text left unanswered, the emails unread.  

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The Lost Bear

Why is it that I seem to find the sad things in life?  That they seem to follow me, seeking me out.  Like “Hey, over here, you need to see this.” Calling me,  pulling me down and then under.  If you suffer from depression you’ll understand that last sentence, I think.   That trip doesn’t take long now,  like I’m always on the edge and fall off.  A lot.  

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The Three Appointments

Today is like most days. We head from winter to summer and the weather has turned.   Bright, sunny and 70 degrees. Great day for yard work or better yet fishing.

Of course I’m in an Uber heading to a hospital to see the eye surgeon.  I hope for the last time. The gas bubble is gone and I have about 50% of my sight restored.

Good time to write, the occasional pot hole creating typos along the way.  Will require a rewrite and edit but that’s the normal course of action,  no matter how or where written.

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My day, and every day thereafter

I have taken a long hiatus from putting my thoughts down.

The physical self has commanded all my attention. Unfortunately.

But I’ve survived the winter, which I had serious doubts about. I thought it would be my last though, seriously. The question being one of strength. Did I have the ability to rebound from the chronic pain and dark depression last Fall? Going into Winter in such bad shape? A time when the bitter cold and sunless skies do the most damage.  

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The Blues

Chronic Pain, Insomnia & Depression. I capitalize the three since they have become my enemies, and deserve a proper name. If even one of them would only ease up, go away. Since they have drained me of all energy today this post is simply an effort to say I accomplished one thing. No matter how miniscule.

Today is day 8 of feeling meh, puny, punky. Absolutely no energy to speak of, and I ache all over. Nauseated.

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The push and pull

I can feel the pull, but am resisting the slide.

I’ve been told that we all have an inner voice as we talk through our thoughts in our own mind, an on-going conversation.  Even the sanest of the sane has this voice, their own, that is human nature.

We answer ourselves if need be, at times out loud to emphasis a point, or voice despair.

The questions comes more frequently, “What’s the matter, what are you worried about?”.  A simple unvoiced question of concern, to myself and no one else.

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Rambling

What’s on my mind?  Self doubt,  concerns, and the next few stages of my life.

I’m heading to see a new hematologist this morning, looking for a second opinion.  Perhaps find one who cares, like the other specialists I have now. 

Trial and error.  The governing medical body hates it if you switch family doctors, not so for specialists.  I’ve been through several to find the best fit for me.

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