loneliness Archives - The Queer KYD

April 27, 2026May 3, 2026

Paying The Price

A simple journal post for today.

I’m dead tired even though I slept hard last night. Just about every bone in my body aches from the abuse I put it through for a good chunk of last week. Three days later I’m paying for it, as always with the pain comes lack of sleep. Sure enough I woke up this morning feeling blue.

I told my wife, the one and only Mrs. Kyd, that I was “stove up” .

“I’m all stove up this morning.”

“You’re what?”

“You know…stove up.”

“And what the heck does that mean?”

October 19, 2025October 19, 2025

Another Dream , Another Day

“In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God”. –

From the play Agamemnon by Aeschylus, 458 BC.

The two types of pain, one being physical, the other from the heart. Although the physical pain becomes overwhelming at times, beyond my capabilities to endure, it pales in comparison to the mental anguish we all may have to bear.

Broken heart. I don’t know when mankind started associating our souls and life with the heart, although it does seem to be accurate. Broken heart, heartache, makes no difference, but everyone understands that pain. Heartfelt, real honest. A pain so deep you swear it will kill you at times.

July 23, 2025July 20, 2025

The Struggle

This damn depression.

An urgent need exists to grab hold of something. Ground myself to slow this spiral. I’m not in a good place, and for the life of me can’t figure out why.

I have nothing I need to do and should not be worried. Yet I’m fighting the urge to simply crawl under the covers and stay there. I can literally stay home with the blinds shut, away from the rest of the world. Alone in my mind and spinning in place.

I can let the plants die, the piano stay silent and dust covered, and leave the newspapers rolled tight in their rubber bands. The rare text left unanswered, the emails unread.

July 21, 2025July 20, 2025

Out of the Blue and into the Blues

Something is bothering me. It’s causing me to spin again, like a corkscrew slowly turning into the ground and driving me downward. For one thing I can’t turn my mind off, and as it always does, it focuses on the bad things happening in my life. For another, I’ve had some recent changes in relationships with others, friends I thought. Lost contact for a while and I immediately wondered what the hell I did to drive them away.

I don’t understand people and relationships. It seems that it causes more pain in the end, so why put yourself out there? People are untrustworthy, self focused, and quite unpredictable. That’s a bit harsh. My confused mind goes from one extreme to the other.

April 7, 2025May 22, 2025

The Story

If ever a song hit home, this one does. I’m finding we tend not to look for or listen to other people’s stories, although we all have them. Stories about life, resilience and moving on. But we make judgement calls without knowing where the person has been.

The Story

Lyrics by Phil Hanseroth

December 1, 2024May 2, 2025

Loneliness feeds depression

Why is it that other’s coping skills for a trauma or tragedy always cost me more pain?

It’s been that way four times in the past four years, and I cannot go through this one more time.

If you avoid me as a way of coping, my mental illness immediately assumes that I did something, you’re mad, I hurt you.