I’m overly frustrated today, as I find myself exhausted and down. A funk has set in, the shadow of a cloud is once again hanging over my head. Maybe it’s a reaction to lack of sleep for the next two nights, as restless legs have been keeping me up until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning before I finally fall asleep. My body aches, but at least I’m not sick, meaning my gut seems fine.
Mrs. Kyd has been traveling, and during our nightly call I told her I could feel my depression coming on and that I was feeling down for no specific reason. Is it this unbearable lengthy winter we’re experiencing, or the loneliness I go through when she’s traveling? I don’t think so. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Hmmm…it certainly plays a role, but don’t think it would cause such ups and downs.
Nothing specific I could think of, I’m just plain down. I wish I could pin this someone or something, because then it could be dealt with. Chronic depression comes on like a common cold. You don’t know how or where you caught it, it’s just there and needs to be dealt with somehow.
I absolutely hate the feeling of being depressed and wish to hell there was some sort of fix, cure, or help. “Pull yourself out of it.” I’m grateful the missus don’t ever say that, but now fully understands this is something out of my control.
Canada is sorely lacking in mental health care. Nearly to the point of non-existence. Even if I was willing to pay out the nose for help, there just aren’t enough actual doctors of psychiatry practicing medicine here. The waiting list is close to 18 months now. And please don’t put me in a group of other people to discuss my childhood trauma, that may work for some but not all.
That was one benefit in the U.S., although you had to pay for it, you still had easy access to a psychiatrist. I’m tempted to find a good doctor in the States and make the hour and a half drive (one way), but doing this every two weeks would be more demanding than I think I could manage on my own. Maybe just have to think of it like a fishing trip.
Sure there’s plenty of psychologist or psychotherapist around, but I need someone with the ability to prescribe an anti-depressant here in Canada. Or else I can fill a prescription in New York that I would simply take with me across the border. There must be some new medication that would help, if not I’ll know we at least tried. But it takes a good psychiatrist to figure out a treatment plan, and follow through with it.
I’m tempted to start making the trip. Besides a little bit of gas and time what can it hurt?
Will pharmacology offer any benefit? Maybe, but we’ll never know until we try. Are there alternatives? Sure, like ketamine treatments. But we know that was disastrous, for me at least. I can still go back on Abilify, and become totally unemotional. No more real lows, but no highs either. Just plain friggin’ numb to the world.
Maybe a simple frontal lobotomy would work just as well, save the trip and the money.
The best way I’ve found to get through these darker periods is to hope for lighter and brighter days to arrive. There will be days when I feel much better than this emotionally, they just are getting to be fewer and farther between.
I’m not one to sit and wait patiently though. I am looking into a treatment called Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation or rTMS. The therapy is now being offered where I normally get nerve blocks, spinal epidurals and the like, so I do trust them to have my best health in mind.
Instead of me writing troves of misinformation I thought the link below from the Mayo Clinic would give you a better idea of the treatment.
So watch this space as I go forward with trying rTMS at least. Anything to help…absolutely anything.
