October 2025 - The Queer KYD

October 29, 2025November 9, 2025

Transition or Die

I first heard the phrase “transition or die” some thirty years ago, and found it rang so true for me. Partly because I’ve lived a good part of my life fighting and killing myself over being trans. All because of denial. Transition or Die. Not like you would keel over if you didn’t transition, just don’t ever expect to be content or complete. A life that could have been happier, better lived, more worthwhile if only I had accepted myself. Instead, a good part of my life was wasted. “Being wasted” is more like it.

No one chooses this path, no one says “hey I think I’ll be trans for the fun of it” as there is nothing fun about it. Or easy. Transitioning may mean the loss of a job, a career, and friends or family. Trying to bury one’s true identity because of social stigma. The world lacks understanding or knowledge of what it means to be a trans individual, because all they see is a one-sided dialogue from people who find us appalling.

It’s a horrible life. A slow and miserable death really.

October 20, 2025October 24, 2025

A Stone’s Throw Away

The other day I was out and about with the two Frenchies, taking advantage of some unseasonable weather. It’s the middle of October and we’re at 72 degrees with the sun beating down on you. Nothing better than some sun on old arthritic bones like mine.

Some leaves are turning while others are just as confused as the rest of us living creatures. Where’s the chilly winds and frost? Global warming must be the cause. I’m a firm believer that we have polluted the planet beyond its ability to correct the carbon emissions from 8 billion cars in constant motion.

Today we head out on our typical walk, where I simply follow along and let the two of them lead the way and set the direction we take. Out the townhouse complex and its decision time. Left for a block and a half walk until we’re forced to retrace our steps due to traffic. Or right, which takes us to the old Baptist church and the potential for walking through untold blocks of quiet residential streets.

So Blueman went left, Lucifer went right, and I’m stuck like a wishbone waiting to be split in two at Thanksgiving. Blueman won out due to his brute strength versus his kid sister, and off we went with him in the lead. I think he does this knowing full well going this direction results in too short of a journey to burn off some energy and we’ll go the other direction as well. Smart little bugger.

But as soon as we make the turn onto the sidewalk something catches my eye…

October 19, 2025October 19, 2025

Another Dream , Another Day

“In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God”. –

From the play Agamemnon by Aeschylus, 458 BC.

The two types of pain, one being physical, the other from the heart. Although the physical pain becomes overwhelming at times, beyond my capabilities to endure, it pales in comparison to the mental anguish we all may have to bear.

Broken heart. I don’t know when mankind started associating our souls and life with the heart, although it does seem to be accurate. Broken heart, heartache, makes no difference, but everyone understands that pain. Heartfelt, real honest. A pain so deep you swear it will kill you at times.

October 14, 2025October 14, 2025

“I know you have a DNR but…”

(Author’s note: To save you the trouble of looking it up, a DNR is a formal, notarized part of a living will. It stands for Do Not Resuscitate. In other words, when I die please leave me alone. But I’ll get to that story in a minute, you know me.)

This is a 3 part series. You can read part one here, or skip to part two here.

The third and final chapter on the trials and tribulations of being diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks, when in fact a majority of the time it was simply heart problems. Not that A-fib (atrial fibrillation) is simple, it carries all sorts of complexities, and in my case proved fatal.

Why is putting this down on paper important? For one I will start to forget some of the details as I get older, like the sequence of events or dates and places. For another, at least in my opinion, it ties directly back to PTSD. As well as my lousy coping skills compounded by a body that was pre-disposed for a multitude of ailments.

My kidney, heart and MGUS issues were going to exist with or without the effects of PTSD, I think anyway, but each compounded the other. One plus one equals three in other words. The drinking especially, as alcohol at the levels I was consuming is so damaging to more than the liver. Did PTSD cause A-fib? No, but played a part in making it worse.

October 5, 2025October 5, 2025

A Day In a Life

The fact is, one day has turned into a month almost, a month of being too sick to do anything besides take care of my two canine companions. I’m writing this out of guilt.

I feel bad for not posting lately. Since there are very few readers of this it may not matter. I shouldn’t have a guilt trip for not “doing my job.” I have to remind myself that this isn’t a job.

I also regret not doing the NY Times crossword, or finishing the piano piece I’ve been composing for the last 2 months. The melody has embedded itself in my mind, the loop plays continuously. and will do so until the day it’s complete and another takes its place. The keyboard remains untouched.