The fact is, one day has turned into a month almost, a month of being too sick to do anything besides take care of my two canine companions. I’m writing this out of guilt.
I feel bad for not posting lately. Since there are very few readers of this it may not matter. I shouldn’t have a guilt trip for not “doing my job.” I have to remind myself that this isn’t a job.
I also regret not doing the NY Times crossword, or finishing the piano piece I’ve been composing for the last 2 months. The melody has embedded itself in my mind, the loop plays continuously. and will do so until the day it’s complete and another takes its place. The keyboard remains untouched.
In truth I feel bad physically, and that drives my life it seems. I need to capture this moment, just for my own use in understanding what drives me to this point. of unhappiness.
Like the unfinished piano piece, I’ve have 3 drafts of blog posts concerning transitioning and diversity and values, all waiting to be finished. Or trashed.
A brief summary of the past 3 weeks, although boring, lets you know how something simple and easy for most people turns into a living hell for me. I can’t do the simplest things without them blowing up in my face.
The middle of September my wife and I planned our usual Saturday spending the day together. An expanded date night so to speak, where we spend the day doing something fun in an attempt to forget our troubles.
Three weeks ago, we had a great time going to a food fare, not big deal but something to do. An event spread out in an unused parking lot at the local mall, attended by hundreds of folks. Twenty some food trucks, games and cooking lessons, plus a tent full of local vendors. Heck we even learned how to cook tortellini with mushrooms and had a cheese tasting course.
The next day, Sunday, I awoke at 5:00 a.m. just sicker than a dog. Something I ate? Who knows. Another kidney stone perhaps, as they always make me sicker than a dog. Since the two real dogs were both sick my wife had her hands full.
But the queasiness was relentless and, as in the past, I found myself sick for the next 8 days. Food was the last thing I thought of, just the idea of eating something made it worse. Unable to shake the feeling that I was going to throw up, I went from the couch to the bed to the stool in the kitchen. Out to garage to smoke a cig or a joint, then repeat.
Saltines and ginger ale made up my complete diet, and I managed a shower once or twice. The daily routine went by the wayside. The poor dogs had to forego their walks every morning..
Finally, the following weekend I was able to eat some solid food, toast and jello, and the queasiness subsided. I keep telling myself I should just go to the hospital, but when I have one to ER in the past they can’t find the cause, subject me to a ton of tests, so why bother.
That episode has been followed by tremendous physical pain. Maybe from lying around so much? The stomach issues have now been replaced by joint pain, specifically from my neck down to my should blades. Both sides of my neck, shoulders and upper arm are stiff as a board, and any time I try to turn my head one muscle or another cramps up.
The last MRI showed major cervical spinal stenosis from the C! vertebrae to C6. The notation from the report stated “severe narrowing of the spinal column” In other words my spinal cord its being slowly pinched off. This is the root cause of the poly neuropathies and constant pain. The neuropathy has spread into both hands, so even playing the piano is difficult.
The prognosis is not good, and I live in fear of the day I do something and then suddenly collapse, my lower body losing feeling completely. I fear complete paralysis. I’ve been told if I ever lose control of my bowels and lose complete feeling to go to the ER post haste.
So here I sit, trying to complete one simple chore, and post this blog entry. A distraction my mind is fighting as concentration is impossible. I guess that’s the issue, when pain becomes so bad it takes over your mental functions.
Not being able to focus or concentrate nor complete even the simplest of tasks has really brought me down.
Time is all I have, and I’m trying to be patient while my body heals, but it is so damn frustrating.
I do what I can, and shouldn’t have to apologize to myself or anyone, but it’s getting to me.
Just keep going the best you can, just keep trying.