Author’s note: My good friend tells me I’m not whining, I’m venting, and have every right to do so.. So this is a vent about the last few weeks, following a horrible Christmas. Being constantly ill (nauseated) and in physical pain for these past 5 years has been more than a challenge. I don’t know how many more times I can pull myself back up, as the frequency of these “events” seems to be increasing. I was hoping for a break after the Christmas disaster, but alas…)
If you read this blog you know by now music plays a big role in my life. Something is playing in my head constantly as background music, my own personal elevator Muzak. Every once in a while it’s something new, the melody breaks through my train of thought and I have to sit at the piano.
It’s usually something from my past.
The Muzak on at the moment is a classic Allman Brothers Band tune Whipping Post. I’ve just put down the pre-chorus and chorus below. Story goes it was written by Gregg Allman using burnt match tips as he couldn’t find a pen. This was waaaaay before cell phones existed my friends. Google it for the whole song.
Whipping Post
By Gregg Allman
[Pre-Chorus]
Sometimes, I feel
Sometimes, I feel
[Chorus]
Like I’ve been tied to the whipping post
Tied to the whipping post
Tied to the whipping post
Good Lord, I feel like I’m dying
That’s the way I’ve been lately, just plain old beat down. Today is January twenty-somethingth, I’ve lost track of days and dates anymore. I look at my calendar once a week, which is empty except for doctor appointments. My social calendar is devoid of entries, as I have few friends to socialize with. Just a fact of life. So far the two lunch and dinner dates I had on the books have been cancelled because of sickness. I’ll try again though.
So here’s how my life has been since September.
A couple of Mondays ago I went downtown, into the big city, where you too can live in a tent on the sidewalk. I went to visit my doctor at the pain clinic. She’s my favorite of the 5 specialists, even if she is exceptionally painful even if she is exceptionally agonizing at times. That Monday it was a spinal epidural, which I like to have every six months. Quite excruciating, and takes a few days to kick in, but usually gives some relief in my lower spine.
Except… you saw that coming…this time, the day after, I felt “off”. You know what I mean, I wasn’t at a hundred percent. Not that I’m ever at 100%, but today I was more tired than normal, and the nerve ends a little more fired up.
Tuesday night rolled around and I knew I was in trouble. The same nausea I fought at Christmas had returned, along with a burning pain running down both legs. My body was on fire and there was no escaping the nerve pain, especially in both legs. I could feel the floor vibrate from the furnace in the basement, starting at the soles of my feet and traveling upward.
The nausea was unforgiving, and I spent the next 3 days curled up in a ball. Occasionally I’d make a trip downstairs for ginger ale, or a cracker, or a quick trip to the garage for half a cig. Mrs. K always chides me for smoking when I’m so sick, but it’s the only little bit of comfort I can find. A nicotine fix.
I felt like I was dying. Honestly.
Sleeping was impossible. I wasn’t smart enough to check for a fever, but was plagued by the chills or the sweats. All night long. I was powerless to do anything, and just had to endure for however long it took to get through the episodes. The one or two hours I dozed off were quickly interrupted by leg cramps. Where did the term charlie horse ever come from?
Where I’m having the most trouble is simply endurance. I don’t know how many more times of fighting this constant nausea I can go through. I currently take the strongest anti nausea they’ve got, Ondansetron. It is labeled for patients going through chemo, and since I’m not on chemo I have to pay for it out of pocket. It’s beginning to get costly at a couple hundred bucks a month, but does help a little.
The cause of this sickness? Who the hell knows. The missus is betting a bad reaction to the steroids or whatever else is in the epidurals. Maybe, maybe not.
Wednesday through Saturday were rougher than hell, but when I woke on Sunday it had subsided. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and not eating, but at least the nausea was gone. Four days of pure suffering, once again. I figured out I’ve spent 30 some days in bed in the last 3 months. Not just lying around binge watching television for the heck of it, but lying in bed in misery.
I took my first shower in 5 days that morning. Hot hot water felt wonderful. My intention was to have a light dinner and lay down to watch the end of the NFL season playoffs, which is exactly what I ended up doing.
As usual, doing my best thinking in the shower, I told myself I can’t keep living this way. Living through these 5 or 6 or 7 days of just maddening nausea. It’s been a slow torture and increasing in frequency, giving me less and less time to do anything, to enjoy life.
I’m thinking the balance of life is going the wrong direction, with the bad days now increasing in weight. It’s now for every 2 good days, I have to suffer through one bad day. What happens when it goes to 2 bad days for one good? This is a slow damn way to die.
I’m also thinking, as the hot water is pouring over me, that I don’t know how many more days I can go through this. The doctors are perplexed, and can’t find an overall cause. Could it possibly be the sixteen or so drugs I’m on that are adding to this? I think so, they must have enough overlapping side effects to cause harm. But if I drop them the spinal pain, lack of sleep and nerve damage would be overwhelming.
Do I think I can make it through another round of this? I’m having a lot of doubts. But I have to try, if only for one reason. I can’t break a dog’s heart. He would be as devastated in my passing as I would in his. That’s enough to see me through one more time. And maybe the next and the next and the next….