I’m stuck on this ride and can’t get off. I’m trying real hard…inside…to turn things around.
I have been unable to post or write anything. Which is frustrating in itself, just adds to the pile. I have to remind myself that writing while in the deepest throes of depression may be a way out. A way off this ride.
Don’t expect much, because doing anything while suffering from depression is getting to be damn difficult.
Why do I need to write? I don’t. I could let it all go and just give up. Writing that is. I realize there isn’t a thing I can write that is any more profound than what has been put down on paper before me. It’s all been said, and much more eloquently than I could ever have written it myself.
I’m not unique in most ways, just another person struggling with depression. And pain, and lack of sleep. I need to find that point where writing is a distraction in itself and not something that has to be done.
It’s not writer’s block, I have plenty to write about and lots more stories to tell, but writing is just one of many things I can’t do. Or actually follow though to completion.
I’ve written a lot actually, lots of half finished posts sitting in draft form in Google docs. Unless of course I reread them, found them to be gibberish and sent them to trash.
I can’t seem to get happy, be happy. It’s not for lack of trying, trust me. Not being able to write, not being able to finish a melody, unable to complete the Times crossword on a snowy Sunday.
My depression is like a roller coaster really. You sit in a small car, the bar comes down and locks you in, then you’re at the mercy of the ride. You can’t control the direction nor the speed. That’s my life, up and down like a roller coaster. But this time it is heading straight down with no end in sight.
Depression will pull you up the longest hill, only to drop you down the next big cliff that feels like you’re in freefall. Panic and fear set in as you don’t believe you can stop at the bottom, face the next big curve that comes next.
If I tell myself I have little to be sad about, it only starts that internal debate where one side tries its best to disprove the other. I have plenty to be sad about, but sometimes I need to let them all go.
If your life is one continual roller coaster it’s no wonder you want it to stop. I need it to stop as I can’t take this ride much longer.
Somehow in my mind I need to step off the roller coaster and onto the Ferris wheel. No break neck speeds or twists and turns. No surprises that lie in wait, where just when you thought things had settled. The Ferris wheel is paced, methodical, but offers up the most splendid view while you’re perched at the top.
The Ferris wheel lets you look out over the world and all it’s mysteries. You can feel the splendor as you sit in wonder. This miraculous existence we must suffer through for such a short time. Watch the people below like all the ants scurrying around looking for food.
A place with no worry for once, as you know you’ll be safe on the ground again, to become an ant once more.