Maybe that title should read “how the heck are you,” ? Mox nix, my mother used to say. Makes no difference.
I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot lately, and how much I miss her. Even though she died 5 years ago I still hurt just as much as when I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.
I just recently opened a box she sent me the week before her death, and found a small memory book for photographs. This particular album contained photos of myself, from when I was born until I graduated from high school.
There was one or two photos per year, some with just me standing there, and several with my two brothers. Old black and whites, capturing my life in pictures. A snapshot, no pun intended, of 3 brothers who were 9 years apart, and their journey to manhood. Again no twisted humor intended, but hey, made me smile. My journey to manhood and back. Some trip.
The three sons of the Colonel and his missus. My oldest brother had an early death at age 72, which broke my mother’s heart and she passed four months later, not yet reaching her 95th birthday. Parents do have favorites, hidden away maybe, but her eldest was her most cherished. She often said no parent should outlive a child, and seeing him pass was more than she could accept.
The other brother I no longer have any feelings for. Sounds bad, and it is. I know it’s me not being able to forgive, but I’m nowhere near that point. Maybe one day I’ll tell the story without getting angry. All of this anger stems from my mother’s death. Even putting this trivial amount down on paper has me boiling. I know I need to deal with it and put it away once and for all. Not yet though.
Maybe I’m thinking about my mom because I’m not in a good place, and could sure use one of her hugs and some kind words. Your mother can say “you poor thing” and actually mean it. It seems I’m on the verge of tears all the time, reaching my limit in dealing with life.
So where am I? Lost, just completely friggin’ lost.
It’s 12:00, high noon, and I’m lying in bed, just totally exhausted for some reason. Well, I lie, I think I know part of the reason, but you’ll have to read on. I got up at my usual time around 6:00am. I worked for 2 hours on some long term strategies and spreadsheets, had a conference call, and walked the dogs. I also managed to get the bike down from the garage ceiling and did the normal spring maintenance.
I was proud of myself for getting everything on my to do list done. First time in quite a while. But it took a toll on me, drained me of energy and that was it for today.
Right now I’m lying in bed with the dogs using three separate pain management tools to help combat all the muscle, joint and nerve pain I’m going through. We’ll stay here for the next two hours, the dogs sound asleep while I continue binge watching ER on Netflix.
The first “tool” I have plugged in is a standard old heating pad, which is strategically placed beneath my lower back and right hip.
Then there’s the infra-red light device, that contours around my right shoulder and neck. The Celuma light pad is FDA labelled for numerous ailments, including joint pain and acne. Sold only to licensed practitioners in pain management and registered massage therapist.
My wife a has a friend who has a friend, so of course we had to have one. Did I mention it helps with wrinkles and skin tone? Now you know why she really bought one, but used my pain as an excuse to fork out a bunch of money. I am actually surprised how much it has helped after just three thirty minute treatments.
The last is a set of hyper-ice compression boots. My doctor had mentioned these to me last year as a means of tackling the swelling, or fluid build-up, in both legs. Like a pair of thigh high hip-waders or boots, the legs can be used separately or together through the magic of blu-tooth. Slip your legs in, zip it up tight, and you’re good to go. The compression level and time is set by the user, and the boot inflates from the foot upward to the crotch. It builds the level of compression as it repeats the cycle for upward of 60 minutes.
The net effect of compression therapy is having to pee like a you know what for the next several hours. It does work though, and is used by professional athletes for training. Does it hurt? Of course it does!
Last week my right calf was at 26 inches in diameter, versus a normal 16 inches, all due to fluid build-up. The cardiologist says it’s my kidneys, the urologist says my heart. Go figure. I’m carrying an extra couple gallons of fluid, so anything to reduce that amount provides a lot of relief.
So that’s where I’m at folks, lying in bed trying whatever means possible to relieve some of this pain.
Not much of a life really, but it’s mine…all mine.