In reading the title it sounds like epiphanies were just raining down upon me. In reality it was having a bunch of those aha moments while showering this morning.
I do my best thinking in the shower. I’m certain everyone has those times and places where your thoughts help you suss out a problem. The shower happens to be mine, where I can converse with that voice in my mind without interruption from the rest of the world.
This morning I was berating myself as usual about not being able to write everyday. I felt like I needed to spend more hours on a daily basis dedicated to this blog. There’s so much to write about, stories that remain to be told.
I felt behind in my work. I should be spending more hours on this or else abandon it completely. The disease in my head talking.
Then it hit me. I’m old and retired and no longer need to or want to work. This isn’t a job, it isn’t work that I must do. There are no pressing deadlines or schedules to keep. I report to no one but myself, still I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.
So Kyd, quit worrying about it. Relax for once and enjoy the little things that surround you.
Secondly, who is your audience? “Remember Why You Started” has to be at the top of mind at all times. I’m writing this blog in order to try to heal myself finally.
That’s what this is all about. After 60 years of being unhappy I want to turn the tides and find a level of self love and compassion. then I’ll be mad I couldn’t do it sooner and wasted a life. The healing though will also allow me to change my entire focus in that my life was pretty good despite the obstacles. There were good times, and those need to be remembered most.
I am an audience of one.
But if in writing this blog someone benefits from my journey, whether a story, journal entry or the resources available, then I will consider that a bonus.
The second train of thought centers on my age and facing the end of my journey. Hopefully the years ahead can be easier than the ones already lived. I don’t look forward to the rest of my life if the pain level gets worse than it is now. I’m approaching my tolerance ceiling.
I realized then that as I grow older these stories may slip from my memory, but not if I capture them first. If I put my life stories down now, and my thoughts on life, then 10 or 15 years from now I can go back and retrieve them.
We all fear aging and the potential onset of dementia or Alzheimer’s, where you’re lost in your own mind forever. This will help me hang on to those memories, where I can go back and relive those moments from the written word.
I can reread or listen to my stories and essays as written by the source. Even if I don’t remember the time, the year or even the person that existed, If I don’t remember the person I was, I can listen to his stories. I can help fill my days and I can hang on to this life as much as I can. That’s all I have.
So I faced the day in a different frame of mind. Did my chores, worked on the blog a bit, washed my car and felt I accomplished something anyway. I didn’t push myself, took my time in doing things and as a result didn’t experience the higher level of pain that normally signals the end of the day. I felt good about myself.
Lonely? Yes, a bit I must admit. Social interaction is limited, and there needs to be a focus on how to fix that. If others don’t reach out I need to be more proactive and reach out myself. Or find other people to help guide me along, sounding boards, voices of reason.
Today was good, I can see a way forward.