Not surprisingly, the outline for the blog made sense to me at the time, but as I learn more about myself through research the more I find the emphasis shifting. A change in the level of importance, revisions to the rank.
Ranking them has been difficult, but if I divide the key topics of Mental Illness into Diagnosis (ever changing) Symptoms and Treatments I think I can get my mind around this.
So let’s start with the latest diagnosis stemming from my ordeal with the new psychiatrists.
First and foremost is the diagnosis of PTSD.
So what constitutes a proper diagnosis of PTSD? I went to the source of all things mental illness, the DSM-5-TR. Published by the American Psychiatric Association, it’s properly known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Here’s the link, and if you are as mental as me it’s great bedside reading.
Psychiatry.org – DSM-5-TR Fact Sheets
This is the BIBLE of mental illness. A whole list of disorders, a couple of which I don’t suffer from thank god.
Just kidding.
The PTSD definition, for proper diagnosis, is much more complicated than most people think. It involves the severity of the trauma, a complicated menu of certain psychological aspects that need to be exhibited, all coupled with the length of time these symptoms present themselves.
It’s really not my place to go into details on what constitutes PTSD, but one of the better definitions and descriptions in layman terms is with the National Institute of Mental Health, and can be found here:
The mother “disorder” is compromised of all her little disorders, diseases, and syndromes, some of which are plain old disorders on their own.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
If you look at the list, I tick enough of the boxes to warrant the diagnosis. Avoidance? Check. Depression? Check. Trouble sleeping? Check. Sexual orientation, relationships, nightmares, flashbacks? Check Check Check Checkmate.
The mother “disorder” is comprised of all her little disorders, diseases, and syndromes, some of which are plain old disorders on their own. For example, Gender Dysphoria (GD) is a disorder on its own, while sexual dysfunction is a symptom of PTSD.
I’m finally content with who I am sexually, but getting here was a journey. Was the sexual and gender confusion, caused in part by being sexually assaulted as a child? Was PTSD responsible for my sexual identification? Or was it simply Gender Dysphoria that would have existed without PTSD?
I have yet to find any research pointing to PTSD to be the one cause of Gender Dysphoria. But I ain’t done – yet. I might have to do the research myself, studying all 5 – 10 year old boys who were sexually assaulted by a male, just to see if the percentage suffering from GD is higher than the norm.
So if my gender dysphoria was caused solely by PTSD – a basic symptom – was the treatment I received for GD done improperly? Were the approvals for gender affirming surgery I completed last year were a little too hasty?
Did I mention the surgery is irreversible?
My opinion on the matter? I know the traumatic event greatly impacted my sexuality and sexual orientation.
Would I have turned into a self proclaimed Queerfolk if the rape had never occurred? Who really knows. That’s the conundrum, and impossible to answer. After years of seeking an answer, I’ve decided to move on.
So here I am, living and coping. I’m content with my choices; even if made by a slightly insane mind.