I was starting to beat myself up yesterday. Doubting myself, wondering where I was going, why I was trying so hard.
I was able to keep somewhat calm by reminding myself I have a mental illness. And that no one expects me to be strong through this except myself. “Show yourself some grace”.
Trying to put the pain and health issues on a shelf of its own, knowing it’s there, but trying to keep my focus elsewhere.
I can’t though. This chronic pain would take a toll on anyone’s mental state, wouldn’t it? Am I any better? Any stronger?
Tell myself I should rise above the pain, and in failing to do so consider myself a failure also.
I’m uncertain if the mind triggers the pain or the pain triggers the mental collapse.
3rd night of horrible restless legs, pacing the floor, back to the couch, pacing the floor, going out to the garage for a smoke. More pacing.
Nights like these are horrendous. My body if so damn tired, my eyes half closed in sleep, but my legs won’t stop moving.
An incessant shaking of one leg or the next, this night dominated by the right leg.
A jolt of nerve pain, followed by a violent kick. More shaking.
I have a rotigotine patch on, and a dose of sleeping pills. Still no help.
The cream is full of ketamine, baclofen, amitriptyline and lidocaine. An application at 10:00 pm, another at 1:00, then it’s isolated to the right knee and calf.
I pound the offending joint with my fist, fighting my own body.
More pacing, more sitting, until my mind says try it now. Lay down, close your eyes and hope this time it works. Just sleep.
And finally at 2:35 it finally works…I don’t wake up.
I’m awoken at 7:30 by the dogs.
I’m exhausted today.
But once again I will try to rise above the pain, fail, then face another night of hell.
If I can’t rise above it, how do I embrace it?