A LONG WAY FROM HOME
I need to figure this one out, what triggered this positive turn of events. If doing a small thing that you haven’t in ages can be deemed positive.
Since 1988 or so I have been doing the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. Every weekend. I’ve described this in more detail in a blog post, but we (my wife) went to no ends to find the NYT no matter the location.
Continue reading “A glimmer of hope?”I haven’t written lately, as I‘m finding life difficult to navigate at the present.
New Year’s Eve.
For some reason, and totally outside my character, I believe the coming year will be good and my course in life a little easier. Perhaps just from a mental standpoint as I am determined to fight off the downs and lows and depression that have haunted me.
Continue reading “A new beginning?”The day after Christmas and I’m feeling like a person again after 8 days of being ill. 8 days on the couch, curled up in a ball.
The virus caused a bit of a mental struggle also, relapse, and for the life of me I couldn’t function mentally.
I couldn’t focus, couldn’t find my way forward, and lost purpose. Feeling sorry for myself.
Continue reading “A Small Gift”Today I can say I’m good, content and on the plus side of ups and downs
I’m thinking of playing piano, even though my hands are slowing down, losing speed and reach, the occasional klinker.
i slept hard, the result of 3 trazodone and mirtazapine and morphine. woke up in pain and now 3 hours later I am so tired I can hardly sit up.
I’m ignoring it.
Continue reading “Good days happen”So what’s the story here, this story of the Queer Kyd from Kansas?
Stories I suppose.
The story of being a post-op transwoman and the quest for inner peace; it’s not quite finished. Gender Dysphoria. A true path or another symptom of PTSD?
The story of being raped as a young child and the consequent PTSD:; unknown and hidden, overwhelmed by the guilt and shame.
Continue reading “Stories”If I stay focused, I deliver the same message to myself. That message is a simple reminder really. To give myself a little grace, as one of my best friends puts it, a little grace. Let the past be what it was, and let it lie.
I’m holding a 7 year old to blame for a bad life, the guilt and shame I built up to justify another person’s evil. I need to ask that 7 year old to forgive me for doing so, my 7 year old self I held responsible for the torment. Holding him to blame for what happened in changing my course. Upending.
If only…
Continue reading “Depression and Guilt”Why is it that other’s coping skills for a trauma or tragedy always cost me more pain?
It’s been that way four times in the past four years, and I cannot go through this one more time.
If you avoid me as a way of coping, my mental illness immediately assumes that I did something, you’re mad, I hurt you.
Continue reading “Loneliness feeds depression”Abilify. An anti-psychotic that is used for chronic depression, with suicidal ideation.
It‘s odd how the spell checker keeps changing it into “Ability”.
Not odd…profound. Why? The drug has reduced my thoughts of suicide and depression quite well, and replaced it with a numbing apathy about everything.
I can’t cry or go down the rabbit hole.
Continue reading “Depression meds”“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
― Anais Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934
I’ve always loved that quote, except for the part that happens when these worlds pull apart. But that part isn’t there is it? The death of this new world. Or does it really die?
Continue reading “Anais Nin Quote”“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”
Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine