(Author’s note: after reading and re-editing this journal entry, I debated about posting it. Why? Because I feel that I should be stronger than I am, somewhat embarrassed at myself for what I deem to be a weakness in character. By posting, I’m allowing myself a little grace, correct? That’s what I’ll take out of this.)
There’s an old saying from where I call home, in the form of a response to the age old question “how ya doing?”.
“I’d have to get better to die.” Meaning you’re so sick or tired or depressed you’ve gone past death. That’s about as bad as you can get.
That’s where I’m at this morning. I’m just plain worn out. There has to be a change.
A bad night’s sleep is the probable culprit of this depression, brought on by pain. A full three hours sleep sitting up with my chin on my chest. Last night it seemed all the pain in my body flowed down to my legs. The pain intensified as it started in my neck and my hands joined in to help carry this burden, swollen and aching from an hour on the piano the night before.
I begin to wonder how much longer I can play the keyboards, or will the one instrument I love be taken from me also? I have this thing about losing things or people I love, like everyone else. I’m way past the legal limit of saying goodbye, letting things go. Slip from my fingers. Poetic.
The more I fought sleep last night, the more pain fought to keep me awake. It wasn’t ready for the night to end. So in defiance, the pain moved down my spine to my lower back and hips, then into both legs. I try my best to ignore it, knowing sleep would disguise it. I’m the victim of this battle, a prisoner of war, tortured each night.
I suffer from DSPN which is short for distal symmetrical polyneuropathy, quite a mouthful even for me. A progressive disorder that, in my case, affects the extremities (distal) on both sides (symmetrical). The symptoms worsen as the days and months pass. Progressing, meaning I can slow it down but can’t stop it.
Nerve damage and pain. Not so much damage, just the nerves are going haywire as they die out. On constant alert. From numbness to tingling to a downright burning sensation. I feel the hum of machinery under my feet from air conditioners, water heaters, or the elevators in tall buildings. Even that slight vibration sets off the pain.
We had an old man in the city that had the same issue and became headline news for 10 minutes. The story goes he lived on the first floor of a condominium where they had recently installed new machinery in the basement. The floor was constantly buzzing, and apparently bothered no one but him. One old man.
The constant vibration drove him insane, and after non-stop complaining he took the elevator up to where they were having a meeting and killed two of the condo association board members. But I get it, I know where he was coming from. Certainly don’t condone it, just understand how it could drive him to this point.
The pain from DSPN builds throughout the day, it lays the groundwork for the nightly restless legs, shin splints and muscle spasms. One leg or both, a contest to see which gets the most attention.
The cause of DSPN? According to my neurologist, it’s present in diabetics (nope), chronic kidney disease (yep), MGUS or multiple myeloma (yep) or spinal stenosis (and one last yep).
Three strikes you’re out.
The cure? None. The effects can be minimized by living properly and using a bunch of medication. I am great with the meds, not so much the healthy living part. I need to do all I can to minimize this pain and get some sleep.
I’m not trying hard enough on my end. I know that, so don’t lecture me.
Better body, better mind. Or so I hope. Lose weight, exercise, and quit smoking. Try to eliminate any self-inflicted wounds.
Makes perfect sense right?
Unfortunately it takes strength, determination and willpower. Traits that I’m sorely lacking at present. I am trying desperately to find some sort of motivation.
Have I lost the battle? Should I surrender and raise the white flag? Just give in and let pain and depression swallow me up?
That’s the outcome if I don’t try anyway.
This morning that’s my thinking, just give in to it all. I can sit here and do nothing, let my mind go where it wants, without direction.
I can’t though, and somehow will pull my sorry butt back up off the floor once again. If I can find the strength to persevere. I know eventually the day will come when I can’t do it, can’t pull myself up enough to enjoy the day, but I’ve got to keep trying.
Resolve.
The dogs need a walk, I need a cig. Life prevents me from giving up. Not today. Even though I’d have to get better to die.