A decision has been made, and this page will soon be forgotten, A Tree in Memory?
Or maybe not. It still has such beauty and grace to be completely left behind. Somehow.
My dream of having a blog to tell my life story has morphed, but in name only. TheQueerKyd simply rings true.
I am hoping to change my focus, from dying to living once again. While I can.
A Tree in Winter would still be apropos, if I decided to stay in a mood of self reflection. Self reflection and the depression and loneliness it brings.
Not that I’m abandoning the journey, but I reached a crossroads of ending the journey completely or living life once again. I could no longer walk the razor’s edge, I had to decide.
Nor am I abandoning the idea that in my story maybe someone with similar issues will reach out and say this isn’t a journey you have to make alone. Others follow some of the same paths.
The Queer Kyd from Kansas. Yeah I’m an old man, but I am still a kid at heart in some aspects, not all good. I can move on from that child, but take him with me, under my wing so to speak.
I think it’s in the song “Angel of Montgomery” written by John Prine years ago that the following lyric appears. Bonnie Raitt sings it so beautifully.
“my old man is another child that’s grown old”
Yeah, that’s me.
I still need to embrace the person I am, give that little bit of grace, and find some sort of enjoyment in life. It’s been way too far down and blue the last 4 years, and I’m tired. It’s worn me out.
Is it so hard because we make it so? Is caring and sacrifice and love repaid so poorly? Maybe that’s a statement, not to be questioned.
It’s taken me a long time, but hope hasn’t faded.
Kyd