Mental Illness Archives - Page 2 of 6

August 25, 2025August 25, 2025

The Resolve

(Author’s note: after reading and re-editing this journal entry, I debated about posting it. Why? Because I feel that I should be stronger than I am, somewhat embarrassed at myself for what I deem to be a weakness in character. By posting, I’m allowing myself a little grace, correct? That’s what I’ll take out of this.)

There’s an old saying from where I call home, in the form of a response to the age old question “how ya doing?”.

“I’d have to get better to die.” Meaning you’re so sick or tired or depressed you’ve gone past death. That’s about as bad as you can get.

August 20, 2025August 20, 2025

Dieting while Depressed: My recipe for disaster

It’s my own damn fault, I stepped on the scale. I knew I shouldn’t. The end result has been the almost predictable downward spiral, where 4 days later I’m back to normal. Normal meaning no sleep, more pain, and depressed with a capital D.

All because of weighing myself? You bet. Nothing is more depressing than dieting. For a chronically depressed person dieting is about the dumbest thing to attempt.

August 13, 2025August 13, 2025

Any Decision Is Better Than No Decision

My apologies for the string of down beat, depressive posts as of late. This may be the most important thing for me to write though, fighting with depression. If I look back on these posts, they may shed some light as to why this seems to be a constant battle.

The 5th day in a row. I wake up early when I hear the wife stirring upstairs. The dogs had slept downstairs with me last night, two dogs on oversized pillows on the floor, me on the couch. At least I beat them to the couch. They also hear mom up, the name the two dogs know her by, and decide they need out at 6:00 a.m. I’m still tired from the drugs, not a lot of sleep last night and in pain. I’m nauseous, but crawl off the couch to let them out back to do their morning pee.

August 6, 2025August 6, 2025

This Round’s on Me

It’s difficult to write about being a drunkard for the majority of your life. To be honest I’ve delayed this blog because it is extremely hard to take a look backwards and see what decisions I made in error. The one decision to keep drinking instead of addressing issues head on.

This tale will eventually lead up to the day that I stopped getting drunk. Being able to just stop drinking is one of my crowning moments. Ruling out the birth and love of my two children, putting down the bottle is my biggest achievement in life. Isn’t that a sorry thing to say? As I type this I find myself starting to sink down just because of how bad that sounds.

July 31, 2025July 29, 2025

It’s Seriously Time to Change, But How?

This morning is bad. Period. Really effing bad. Mainly because I’m in horrible pain in my legs, hips and lower back. Nauseated, and tired all over.

Normally this time of year, the warm days of summer, I get some sort of break from being so sick. Weather affects arthritis, no matter what the doctors say, and for me it’s the cold and damp of the Canadian winter. Now the opposite end of the scale cripples me, as today is very hot, humid with a thunderstorm rolling in. A change in barometric pressure felt in joints and bones.

July 29, 2025July 23, 2025

Learning to fight

I am in the midst of writing my philosophy and views of being a trans person in a non-accepting world. Marginalized. What a laugh.

But I am also in the midst of a slide, I think spiral is a more fitting word, into another bout of depression. I need to keep track of this quagmire I’m sinking into, in case it evolves into something out of my control. It’s difficult, but it requires a subjective review of myself. Step outside and look in. My vision is clouded looking out at the world.

So I am writing about depression, in hopes this time I can rise above it on my own. See it for what it really is and turn the course. I am learning how, I think, hope. I’ve been dealing with depression long enough to know the signs of its start, but don’t fight back.

July 27, 2025July 23, 2025

A Must Read on MAID

I receive the New York Times every Sunday so I can take a stab at one of the most challenging crosswords that they publish on the last page. For one, it’s sort of a bragging right if you can complete them, they’re at times extremely clever and difficult. For another, I hope doing this crossword, even though frustrating at times, will help ward off senioritis. You know, growing old and letting your mind go to waste.

A few weeks back, I was struck by an article published June 1, 2025 and actually read it prior to flipping to the puzzle on the last page. The article concerns MAID, or Medical Assistance in Dying. In a nutshell a doctor helps you in committing suicide. No other way to describe it.

Paula Ritchie as photographed by Oliver Farshi

July 23, 2025July 20, 2025

The Struggle

This damn depression.

An urgent need exists to grab hold of something. Ground myself to slow this spiral. I’m not in a good place, and for the life of me can’t figure out why.

I have nothing I need to do and should not be worried. Yet I’m fighting the urge to simply crawl under the covers and stay there. I can literally stay home with the blinds shut, away from the rest of the world. Alone in my mind and spinning in place.

I can let the plants die, the piano stay silent and dust covered, and leave the newspapers rolled tight in their rubber bands. The rare text left unanswered, the emails unread.

July 21, 2025July 20, 2025

Out of the Blue and into the Blues

Something is bothering me. It’s causing me to spin again, like a corkscrew slowly turning into the ground and driving me downward. For one thing I can’t turn my mind off, and as it always does, it focuses on the bad things happening in my life. For another, I’ve had some recent changes in relationships with others, friends I thought. Lost contact for a while and I immediately wondered what the hell I did to drive them away.

I don’t understand people and relationships. It seems that it causes more pain in the end, so why put yourself out there? People are untrustworthy, self focused, and quite unpredictable. That’s a bit harsh. My confused mind goes from one extreme to the other.

July 15, 2025July 14, 2025

The Lost Bear

Why is it that I seem to find the sad things in life? That they seem to follow me, seeking me out. Like “Hey, over here, you need to see this.” Calling me, pulling me down and then under. If you suffer from depression you’ll understand that last sentence, I think. That trip doesn’t take long now, like I’m always on the edge and fall off. A lot.