There’s a need to hit on the subject of taking one’s own life in this blog. Suicide.
I was watching Bill Maher’s show, you know the comedian that discusses/debates political and social discourse. The show has a short monologue, a special guest, followed by a panel of expert discussion. With a bit of comedy squeezed in, political satire.
One episode last month featured the Father of Modern Artificial Intelligence, Ray Kurzwell. He discussed the future of AI, and the potential to extend “life” beyond the capabilities of the body. The mind can live on in some form of AI. Yeah, and be depressed forever.
I’ll paraphrase, but Mr. Kurzwell stated that the human spirit wants to live, unless there’s a level of pain, mental or physical, that can no longer be tolerated. The fight for survival gives way.
Suicide, ending one’s own life.
I have been suffering from chronic depression for the past 30-40 years and started having thoughts of suicide a long time back. Suicide is very real, and a real solution.
I’m discovering more about suicide and how it factors into depression, finding out there are 4 stages that take place. News to me. At the height of my downs I thought I had slipped right to stage 4.
Stage 1: The person mentally acknowledges that others experiencing the same level of depression have sought suicide as a final form of release.
Stage 2: Suicide is an acceptable pathway, if depression ever gets to an unbearable point.
Stage 3: Suicide is believed to be inevitable, anticipated. It will happen one day, it’s just a matter of time.
Stage 4: Action. That can be in two forms, either attempting suicide at that point, or writing a detailed plan for the inevitable suicide to follow.
The 4 stages of suicidal ideation: a physician’s experience with burnout and self-compassion
I believe that one day I will need to find the strength and courage to take my own life. Simple fact. But derived from mental illness? Probably. Maybe. But I feel it will be the “logical voice” of reason that pushes me over the top. Not when I’m exhausted and in pain and sobbing. No, it will be one day when that voice asks me, do you want to keep doing this or have you had your fill?
Eventually the pain will be too much, the depression too low or signs of dementia begin to appear. I read the last sentence as fact. It’s simply true. But again, is that coming from mental illness? That’s the struggle.
I’ve even been bold enough to tell the doctors that when they approve the option of a Medical Assistance In Dying, or MAID, for chronic mental illness I want to get in line.
I should have asked for help a long time ago, and been more honest to the people that were trying to help me. Doctors, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, family and friends. But have always feared that even the mere mention of suicide that they would throw me in a padded cell and throw away the key.
Last year was the first time I ever told my wife that the depression had taken too firm a hold, and between tears tried desperately to explain what I was going through. I couldn’t pull myself back up, and was lost. A feeling of being totally powerless against the depression that held me down..
She may not have understood completely, but she felt my pain, and held me close while I cried.
Cried for help.
There’s some part of me that wants to end this battle, but another part that wants to go on. In search of inner peace. The part in me that wants to keep living, that told the doctors I now fear for my own life. That one night when the pain and insomnia and depression would be at their worst…
For today, I’m fighting.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK565877
Introduction
Suicide remains a significant public health issue in the United States, with the age-adjusted suicide rate reaching 14.1 per 100,000 population in 2021. Increasing concern exists regarding deaths categorized as unintentional falls or poisonings, both of which have risen, as they may be misclassified suicides. The age-adjusted suicide rate saw a 36.7% increase between 2000 and 2018. Notably, in the 10 to 24-year-old age group, suicide is the second leading cause of death. While the suicide rate in this demographic was stable from 2001 to 2007, an upward trend was observed through 2021.[1]
Harmer B, Lee S, Rizvi A, et al. Suicidal Ideation. [Updated 2024 Apr 20]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK565877/