Journal - Page 4 of 13 - The Queer KYD

August 6, 2025August 6, 2025

This Round’s on Me

It’s difficult to write about being a drunkard for the majority of your life. To be honest I’ve delayed this blog because it is extremely hard to take a look backwards and see what decisions I made in error. The one decision to keep drinking instead of addressing issues head on.

This tale will eventually lead up to the day that I stopped getting drunk. Being able to just stop drinking is one of my crowning moments. Ruling out the birth and love of my two children, putting down the bottle is my biggest achievement in life. Isn’t that a sorry thing to say? As I type this I find myself starting to sink down just because of how bad that sounds.

July 31, 2025July 29, 2025

It’s Seriously Time to Change, But How?

This morning is bad. Period. Really effing bad. Mainly because I’m in horrible pain in my legs, hips and lower back. Nauseated, and tired all over.

Normally this time of year, the warm days of summer, I get some sort of break from being so sick. Weather affects arthritis, no matter what the doctors say, and for me it’s the cold and damp of the Canadian winter. Now the opposite end of the scale cripples me, as today is very hot, humid with a thunderstorm rolling in. A change in barometric pressure felt in joints and bones.

July 29, 2025July 23, 2025

Learning to fight

I am in the midst of writing my philosophy and views of being a trans person in a non-accepting world. Marginalized. What a laugh.

But I am also in the midst of a slide, I think spiral is a more fitting word, into another bout of depression. I need to keep track of this quagmire I’m sinking into, in case it evolves into something out of my control. It’s difficult, but it requires a subjective review of myself. Step outside and look in. My vision is clouded looking out at the world.

So I am writing about depression, in hopes this time I can rise above it on my own. See it for what it really is and turn the course. I am learning how, I think, hope. I’ve been dealing with depression long enough to know the signs of its start, but don’t fight back.

July 27, 2025July 23, 2025

A Must Read on MAID

I receive the New York Times every Sunday so I can take a stab at one of the most challenging crosswords that they publish on the last page. For one, it’s sort of a bragging right if you can complete them, they’re at times extremely clever and difficult. For another, I hope doing this crossword, even though frustrating at times, will help ward off senioritis. You know, growing old and letting your mind go to waste.

A few weeks back, I was struck by an article published June 1, 2025 and actually read it prior to flipping to the puzzle on the last page. The article concerns MAID, or Medical Assistance in Dying. In a nutshell a doctor helps you in committing suicide. No other way to describe it.

Paula Ritchie as photographed by Oliver Farshi

July 25, 2025July 29, 2025

HRT: Personal Results and Current Medications

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is a critical component for those desiring a more complete transition, basically replacing the hormones from your given gender with those of the opposite sex. I consider HRT to be the first major step for a transexual in transitioning, but going this route is something to be taken very seriously.

When I first looked into HRT and transitioning, there were conditions in place as prescribed in the DSM 3 that prevented me from going this route. DSM stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The most current update is version 5. Although Gender Dysphoria is one of the mental disorders listed in the DSM, not all trans people suffer from GD.

July 23, 2025July 20, 2025

The Struggle

This damn depression.

An urgent need exists to grab hold of something. Ground myself to slow this spiral. I’m not in a good place, and for the life of me can’t figure out why.

I have nothing I need to do and should not be worried. Yet I’m fighting the urge to simply crawl under the covers and stay there. I can literally stay home with the blinds shut, away from the rest of the world. Alone in my mind and spinning in place.

I can let the plants die, the piano stay silent and dust covered, and leave the newspapers rolled tight in their rubber bands. The rare text left unanswered, the emails unread.

July 21, 2025July 20, 2025

Out of the Blue and into the Blues

Something is bothering me. It’s causing me to spin again, like a corkscrew slowly turning into the ground and driving me downward. For one thing I can’t turn my mind off, and as it always does, it focuses on the bad things happening in my life. For another, I’ve had some recent changes in relationships with others, friends I thought. Lost contact for a while and I immediately wondered what the hell I did to drive them away.

I don’t understand people and relationships. It seems that it causes more pain in the end, so why put yourself out there? People are untrustworthy, self focused, and quite unpredictable. That’s a bit harsh. My confused mind goes from one extreme to the other.

July 18, 2025July 17, 2025

The Last Fishing Trip

I lived with my grandparents off and on growing up, a matter of my father’s career and being relocated from base to base. I looked at their house as my home, where I was the happiest, swallowed up by all the love.

There was an especially hectic time when my father had retired after 27 years of military service and couldn’t figure out what to do with the rest of his life. He was 46 at the time.

July 15, 2025July 14, 2025

The Lost Bear

Why is it that I seem to find the sad things in life? That they seem to follow me, seeking me out. Like “Hey, over here, you need to see this.” Calling me, pulling me down and then under. If you suffer from depression you’ll understand that last sentence, I think. That trip doesn’t take long now, like I’m always on the edge and fall off. A lot.